Back in 2015 I was doing all the right things, I was hitting the gym, playing great hockey and such – but I wasn’t working as an employee or an entrepreneur.
And I lost hope in my career potential.
It was also October and the weather was getting colder.
Not a good combination.
For a few years in a row I would get depressed in the fall and just want to lie in bed all day.
I also wanted to kill myself back in 2015 because I had a nihilist view of life.
My thought was,
“What is the meaning of life? I don’t think life has any meaning – nothing I do is meaningful to be honest.”
I was stuck in a negative Self-Amplifying-Feedback-Loop (SAFL)
I had stopped gong to the gym.
I stopped writing.
I even stopped playing hockey.
I had intense anxiety that I would become a bum who lives on the street.
I was relying on my mother and was worried I wouldn’t be able to work and provide for myself.
I didn’t want to work for minimum wage, and I didn’t want to lose out on my government benefits by working.
I felt trapped and that I had nothing of value to offer the world.
I was in such a negative SAFL that I wanted to “not wake up” the next day.
This black cloud was over my head for 3 months.
The negative thoughts were following me everywhere I went.
And my body felt like shit, even a walk to the store felt like a marathon.
It was hell, plain and simple.
But I knew that positive energy neutralizes negative energy and that I simply had to change my energetic state
So I did.
I decided to practice RADICAL ACCEPTANCE!
That includes accepting my non acceptance!
So what did I do to practice radical acceptance?
I’m going to JUST BE DEPRESSED!
When it was time to eat and sleep I enjoyed those times.
When I was drowning in negative thoughts, I decided to accept the experience.
When I didn’t feel like going to the gym I accepted that I didn’t go.
When I looked at myself and saw I was unemployed I accepted the experience.
I knew that acceptance is a much higher frequency than apathy or grief so by accepting everything – I saw things with a different pair of glasses, which meant I was changing the way I saw things.
And when you see things differently,
You see different things!
Soon thereafter I developed a positive perspective and allowed some good things to come into my life!
My doctor gave me a medication to resolve depression that worked well, I was on a sedative before this change in prescription.
This made me feel even better.
My employment counsellor helped me find a program that would pay me 700 bucks to learn employment skills.
What a gift.
During those 2 weeks I got 700 bucks in my pocket and developed a routine.
I then started to hit the gym again.
By Christmas I was in a positive SAFL and was feeling good again.
I had overcome depression!
And in 2016 I made a New Years resolution to follow my highest joys without fail.
I discovered a spiritual course called ACIM (A Course In Miracles) and that course was great learning experience for my spiritual development.
I also got back into hockey in 2016 playing a season of D for the Aces and then subbing in for the Spartans of 2016 making a small contribution to a cup.
In 2017 the positive SAFL continued,
A buddy from hockey gave me the perfect job – Snow Removal!
It was a workout and also the best money I ever made by the hour. It was fun!
Then I got another job with Canadian Mental Health Association as a greeter.
I have held steady employment for a year for the first time in my life.
Now I’m captain of my own team at hockey and setting personal bests as a player.
I’m now about to increase my workload to 25 hours a week which would be a high personally. And I would still keep my government benefits while working 25 hours.
I am soon about to have more cashflow then I’ve ever had.
And as a bonus,
I’m about to go to the gym for the 22nd time in 21 days on Monday!
Life is good,
And it all started 2 years ago when I started radical acceptance!
Until next time,