For the last 8 years I have been attracted to a woman that I can’t let go of.
She has been all I think about, and the source of my drive and determination.
But that’s counterfeit motivation, I need real motivation from within.
The sad thing is I’m here trying to sell the book called “The Secret to Getting Over Someone.”
This is hypocritical, and I have no right to make money off of it, even if what I wrote is 100% accurate.
I really need to take a hard look at myself.
One of my good friends tore me apart because he saw that I need to work on myself before I can help others.
And he is right, I’m grateful I got that phone call to help me understand where I’m at. I thought he wanted to be coached by me. But he gave me better advice than I have heard in a long time.
When I get advice I usually brush it off, but today I took every bit of advice I could get.
I have insights and knowledge that could change lives. But I have nothing to show for it in my life.
I’m not winning and grinning right now, I’m looking within, and I feel like I have to start somewhere, and through transparency, self-honesty, and vulnerability I can rebuild myself anew.
I have a bright future and my potential is near limitless, but this doesn’t matter.
What matters is what I’m doing now, the now is the power point of creation. Not the future or the past.
And so I write what comes to mind.
Let’s see what else comes through,
I’m going to write a list of things I want to improve on so I can be a better:
I want to be the person that would inspire millions of people, even inspiring one person is a start.
I suck at life,
⁃ $7,500 (Thanks to Compulsive Gambling)
Good but not great, I did 57 push-ups the other day but 100 would be better.
Good but I want to network more.
It starts with telling the truth.
I don’t want to let go of this woman who I haven’t been able to let go of for 8 years, the reality is I’m currently heartbroken and never really recovered.
I have a desire to be heard by her and loved.
I’m really just hoping she would be a part of my life so I can feel invincible – but that’s where I’m at.
And this heartbreak is the root of my mental health issues.
I’m manic depressive, and on the highest doses of meds.
But this whole life turnaround starts with doing the little things in an extraordinary way, that is hard because I hate the mundane and just want the rewards, and I want them now.
I’m my own worst enemy.
Heaven and hell are an inch apart, yet it can take an eternity to cross that inch to get to the promised land.
One day I’m going to slay my demons, and I can start by letting go of this woman I have desired for 8 years. And DESIRE is the right word, it’s not love.
But I’m not there yet, I need a bigger reason to let go, but I have destroyed myself by not letting go.
This woman inspires me to be the best I can be and I feel like life would be meaningless if I let go.
But guess what?
Life is meaningless.
So you get to make your own meaning.
Leo from Actualized.org basically said,
“The best way to succeed is to do the most emotionally difficult thing.”
For me right now, letting go is the hardest thing, and I’m crying as I think this, almost tears of joy because I know how much I could gain by letting go.
It hurts to let go when I’ve had my sights on the woman of my dreams for 8 years but I know that even though it will hurt, there is something on the other side.
I’m getting nowhere until that woman feels like a regular person.
There’s a 99% chance it won’t work out, yet 1% hope is something I’m running away with and driving myself insane with.
“Hope can drive a man insane.”
⁃ Red – Shawshank Redemption
For the last 8 years I’ve put 99% of my energy into making a relationship with this woman a reality and here I am, sick and tired, I just want to give up.
Even though it’s been the biggest desire of my heart.
I hate to say it but my hearts desire is not going to come to be.
And so I need to look within and make serious changes in my thinking.
I feel resentment in my body as I write, and that’s because I’m screwing up my life all the time.
I might reread “The Way of The Superior Man” over and over again until have relinquished this woman out of my mind.
It’s just a question of, do I want to let go?
You know what,
Fuck it, I will let go, because I know I deserve better.
I deserve better.
I deserve better.
I’m going to focus on serving humanity, I can’t allow one woman that didn’t want me in her life to hold me back.
So I will surrender.
Eventually this predicament will work for me as I become the master of letting go.
And someone else will take her place in the context of a real relationship.
I have a lot more to cover.
More in part 2